I don’t think I’m that thirsty….

A drinking game to play during the televised debates between Brown, Cameron and Clegg, on April 15th (ITV), April 22nd (Sky) & April 29th (BBC).

Here are the rules:

1) At the start of the game each player must pick a leader to support. After each question and debate section, the room must vote for a winner and a loser. The losers must drink three fingers of a drink pre-selected by the winners. In the event of a draw (hung parliament?!) all losers drink, even with a 3 way tie…

2) Drink one finger if the following key words or phrases are used:

• Fair
• Climate change
• Trust
• Broken Britain
• Broken Politics
• Immigration
• Referendum
• Economy
• Children
• Ordinary, decent, hard working
• Family

3) Finish your drink if any of the following occur:

• Anyone looks at the wrong camera
• Anyone is forcefully removed from the audience
• Anyone in the audience asks an unscripted question
• Gordon Brown admits to, himself or the government, making a mistake (“miscalculation” counts)

4) If the word “change” is used everyone must swap drinks and take one finger of your new beverage

5) a) If the speaker points their finger, whoever is sitting in the corresponding place in relation to the television must drink two fingers.
b) If the speaker nonchalantly waves their hand over the majority of the audience, everyone must drink two fingers.

6) If any leader uses the words “My friends,” spit out your drink and shout: “I’m not your friend!” at the television.

7) Should the audience start to clap, cheer, boo, hiss etc… (Of course they’re not allowed to) the entire room must finish their drinks in an act of rebellious solidarity.

8 ) If a leader goes over his allotted minute, begin to drink until the host stops him/them.

9) Likewise, if a leader fails to fill his minute, drink for the remainder (unlikely methinks!).

10) Anytime a leader uses slang or a popular culture reference to appear “down with the kids” the last person to agree with the point of order by shouting “Innit!” must down their drink.

11) Any obviously rehearsed bad play on words (e.g. “It’s not a manifesto FOR the people. It’s a manifesto FROM the people.” Dave Turner, 2010.) must be greeted by a universal groan and the drinking of one finger to forget.

12) Should Cameron be referred to as “Dave” by anyone on television, anyone with the name David must finish his or her drink.

13) Should someone interrupt (that’ll never happen) this is the cue for a game of waterfall. Everyone starts to down their drink, if the person closest to the television stops drinking, the person on their left is then allowed to stop drinking, then the person on their left and so on, until all have ceased consuming.

14) If the phrase “deep cuts” is used, karate chop the person to your left. The last person to administer a “deep cut” must finish their drink.

15) If the host calls for “order” the last person to bang their hand on the table and do likewise must finish their drink for rabble rousing.

16) If anyone says “cannabis” roll a fatty for the room. Salute Nick Clegg after every toke.

17) If anyone says ‘Obama” the last person to shout “Yes we can!” must consume one finger from everyone else’s drink.

18 ) If the “Bullingdon club” is mentioned, smash up the room. Leave a blank cheque to cover damages.

19) If Brown brings up the “playing fields of Eton,” the youngest member of the group must refill the rest of the group’s drinks for the remainder of the game.

20) If Thatcher is mentioned (or alluded to ‘3 million unemployed’ etc.), everyone takes two fingers from the person to their far right.

21) If anyone uses the phrase ‘The British People’, the room stands, toasts, and takes three fingers each.

22) If anyone uses the phrase ‘cross party consensus’, everyone pours half their drink into that of the person on their left, and finishes their own.

23) If any leader walks out of the debate (33-1 with Ladbrokes, other bookmakers are available) finish every drink in the house.

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Of his latest stick ‘em up he’s said: “I never thought I could cram in a reference to WWII graffiti, a has-been chat show host and a suspect political party on one board but here it is. Not my best ever but worth a look….”

For more info on this most prolific of gentlemen: http://drd.nu/